Today our lesson was about how Heavenly Father uses comparisons to teach us about the Atonement.
When Jesus was on the Earth, he used fishing terminology with fisherman he taught. He used the yoke comparison as well, which has always been one of my favorite ideas. When a problem looks daunting, I know that I've got my Savior right there with me every step guiding me along. He's active in my life. I sometimes have to remind myself of that. But when I activate my faith and ASK for help, I ALWAYS get it. It crazy how that works and how I STILL forget.
In our lesson we asked the kids to make comparisons in their own lives. The _____ is like _____. and I realized I had a parable in my life that was given by God just to me. Its the parable of the token.
Back in high school, I went through an incredibly rough period when I was a senior. My senior year started and I had just started a new job, and was on the homecoming committee. I was excited about my life ahead. I wanted to really gain a testimony. I already believed, but I wanted to KNOW. That semester, my dad was my seminary teacher. I started reading the Book of Mormon. I wasn't super committed though. I guess I was busy, distracted, half hearted in my attempts.
My dad had promised his students that if we read the Book of Mormon everyday for a month, we would know of its truthfulness. I wanted that so I set out to do this.
I didn't read everyday. And instead of having this testimony poured into me, when the 30 days was up, I was in a heartbreaking car accident that left another boy from my school, dead.
The other three of us who were involved were devastated. It was heavy, hard, emotional. And so incredibly difficult.
Its hard to understand what it feels like to be the driver of a car involved in something like this. It wasn't my fault technically. But I don't think the fault part really matters. A life ended. People around me were suffering and devastated.
I think people watching me probably had no idea what was going on in my life or in my head. I am not the kind of person who likes to be pitied. I have a very hard time talking about things that are hard during the hard times. I'd rather talk about them when they are comfortably behind me. Vulnerability isn't my strong suit and I was awkward about it. Alternating between trying to be tough and sleeping all the time so I could forget about it.
I was kinda mad too. Why did this happen to me and why now? I now have those answers, but at the time, it was just hard. I wanted to have faith. But I felt empty. I didn't get the answers I need to anchor me during this trial. I got nothing.
Which brings me back to the parable of the token.
About a year after the accident, I moved to Russia for an English teaching program. It was an immersion program, and we weren't allowed to speak any Russian to the preschool aged kids.
Each day we would teach a new concept. We had these little tokens that were actually just buttons. And they wore a pouch around their neck and each time they said something correctly, they would earn a button. They could use their "tokens" to buy little toys or candies from our class store. The class store was full of fun things we'd brought with us from America and the kids loved it! They were very motivated to try to earn those tokens.
One little boy was named Cerosha. He was tiny and one of the younger ones. He struggled to learn the concepts and didn't generally speak correctly. When he needed to go to the bathroom, he'd say, "My name is Toilet!" Instead of "I need the toilet" etc. We always thought that was hilarious.
Anyway, one time Cerosha and I were in class and I was teaching the concept of "I am going to..." that day we'd made a picnic basket out of a cardboard box and we were having a pretend picnic. Cerosha was struggling with saying the words correctly. And he looked at me and tried so hard to say it right, but it wasn't right. And I knew I couldn't give him a token or I'd be giving him the wrong idea. He would be confused and his learning would be stunted. I really wanted to be merciful and just give it to him. But I just couldn't.
And it just hit me, this is how Heavenly Father works sometimes too. When I half-heartedly attempted to gain a testimony, I was not immediately infused with light and knowledge. I was expecting something to grow when I hadn't nurtured the seed. I wanted to reap what I hadn't sown. And if God had just given me what I wanted, I would have been confused and stunted just like Cerosha would have been if I'd given him the token.
During that time in Russia is I again attempted to gain a testimony but this time it was not half hearted. I read the Book of Mormon for a week straight and finished it. I read every church book I could get my hands on. I attended church weekly, did service, missionary work and fasted for the first time ever. I said my prayers regularly.
I finally got the light and knowledge infusion that I'd hoped for. It was WAAAAAYYYYY more than I'd hoped for. In fact it was rock solid incredible, tangible, and the most beautiful experience of my life. I kinda feel that Heavenly Father was making up for that awful time by showering me with testimony when I finally did earn it. And I could feel that he wanted to give that to me all along and I just need to be more disciplined. I'm glad it worked out like that. I think of all the scriptures I read during that period and how much I learned. I cannot imagine my life without 2 Nephi 2 or Alma 32. Moroni 7. The questions I had before all got answered while I was reading.
I think it was pretty cool that God gave me my own parable to explain to me why things had to happen the way they did. It was comforting to see things from that perspective. I learned a lot about the nature of God. Parenting has also taught me about God's nature and why sometimes you have to withhold things that you want to give your children for their own good. I honestly think that is one of the very hardest things about being a parent.
