So recently I've been extra horrified by how people respond to tragedy online.
I read about a fatal car accident yesterday where a 20 year old died in the canyon. It was a one car accident. The driver is dead. His family is likely devastated. So without knowing any of the details, how do people respond?
They respond by saying he was probably under the influence. Or he shouldn't have been out that late. It was likely distracted driving.
And it just really gives me a pit in my stomach to see these kinds of comments. We don't have details. Why assume. What if the family sees this? How is this helpful?
When I was a 17 year old driver who was doing everything I was supposed to do, I still ended up in a fatal car accident. I don't feel guilty or blame myself for the accident because I was driving and I know there is NO way I could've done anything to avoid hitting the car that turned left right in front of me. From the moment I saw the car I wrenched that steering wheel in attempt to turn but I KNEW there was no chance I would not hit. It was just too close.
So yes, while I know what happened, I also know how painful it was to be involved. To see the grief and witness the pain and suffering that resulted. To be at the hospital when the family had to make the decision to take their cherished son off of life support. And then to hear the rumors circulating by all the people around me.
here are a few of them:
- She didn't even try to stop! (because of the length of the skid marks measured by a dad not an expert--there was 2 inches of water on the road but whatever the skid marks were they weren't taking that into consideration.)
- She was speeding (I was going under the speed limit because of the heavy rain)
- She didn't have her lights on. (They were still on when the cops got there on the one side that wasn't smashed)
- She was driving a big black SUV (Nope gray minivan)
- She didn't even care that he died (depression for months)
So when I hear these tragic stories, it just makes me sad to see how people react in this blame sort of way. The thing is, even if I had made a mistake that led to my accident, we are humans. We have all made mistakes while driving. And we are SO lucky when those mistakes don't amount to a tragic loss.
And you never know what someone is actually going through. I tried to put on a good face. I wanted to be strong and to "not let it affect me." I didn't understand grief. I didn't understand that you can grieve someone you didn't know. I felt like I "shouldn't" be sad. I always said how this was "so much harder for those who knew him." And that is obviously true. They had a completely different level of loss. But it was still life changing hard for me. In the midst of it, I didn't know how to face that. I ended up feeling very sad, depressed, overwhelmed and lonely. I slept all the time because it gave me escape.
So when the toddler gets hit by a car, drowns, or when any other freak accident happens, I will not be the one to compound the sorrow of those grieving by casting blame at such a sensitive time.
Yep I know that there are occasions when the law steps in and I'm grateful for that. But accidents are not always negligence. Sometimes they are just people who have a momentary lapse in focus.
And I understand why a person who is grieving might be angry, blame, or act out in their sorrow. That is a normal part of the grief cycle. And sadly some of that anger was directed at me for awhile because although Dustin went to my school, we didn't know each other. The three people in the other car were all friends. I was the easiest target for both the other families, even though not technically at fault. But I don't understand why uninvolved, uninvested random people on the internet need to pipe in.
Although I've been lucky enough to avoid ever having a car accident where I was at fault (aside from barely hitting a couple parked cars when I just got my license) I know that at any point, it could happen. I was very grateful this week for a car with autopilot that can drive me home because I am still, even 31 years later, very anxious driving in the rain.
And I think what stands out to me today, is the sweet notes and cards that were brought to me by friends and even people I didn't know. That is the kind of response I want to have when my friends or anyone I know is grieving. Support, love, reaching out. Doing anything. And just letting people know that you care and remember them.
